Friday, October 14, 2011

Secrets, Dreams, and Ambitions

Ever since I watched Oprah's Life Class yesterday, about the truth setting you free, to share your deep dark secrets with those people you care about, its been really bugging me. I have so many secrets that have been surfacing and its been really bugging me to decide whether to share or not. So I'm going to share in hopes of being free.

 I am not successful in life, I feel alone in the world, no one really cares about me.
 I have no motivation to succeed in life, yes I have all these dreams and ambitions but I have no idea how to start.
I like to be alone, but then again a part of me feels like I want to be loved
I feel that I must make other people happy by doing what they ask otherwise they would hate me or be mad at me.
I like to hurt myself Sexually

So there are my secrets, now some of them I'm sure it would be okay to share now that I see them, but the last one I feel so ashamed, actually I'd rather have someone else hurt me like that and I know it's normal for some people to want this, but I feel like its not because when I do I always fantasize that it is the men who hurt me doing it which is why I find it strange. I want them out of my mind, out of my life I want to move on and heal this emotional trauma, but I can't because they are always in my mind, always. I am disgusted by this, which is why I find it hard to share this secret.  I really need a life, I really want to get my writing career up and running. I love to write, but find I have no words to say at times, Yes I've written a few novels and yes I have one that is hopefully ready to go get published, now that's exciting getting published, I want to be published, so why can't I take those steps to get published, why I am so scared. I want to be like JK Rowling, I want to be as successful as her, she inspires me, but I feel like I'm not as good as her, damn low self worth, low self confidence, UMMM hello it's called procrastination, duh. I know what its that's me to a tee, a damn procrastinator, a lovely lovely lady with ADD, fun fun fun. I have a daughter with PDD Nos and I have ADD, I swear one day I'm gonna battle this and I'm gonna succeed and I'm gonna live my dream as a best selling author, but I have to make that happen, I can only do this, once I figure out how to do it. See with all my dreams and Ambitions, I want to do alot. I want to open my own Occult Shop, I want to be a best selling Author, I want to open my own Book/ cafe, I want to go back to school and become a Rape counsellor. I do want so much in life, but again HOW??? I feel stuck in this sad pathetic life of mine. WOW Oprah was right, the truth shall set you free, I just hope no one changes their feelings about me, please don't hate me I had to let these secrets out in order for me to find some kind of relief, to help me move on with my life, to find some kind of happiness. I am hoping now this will happen.


  1. Why should anyone hate you for being who you are? In most cases the people most judgemental of our ways are - we ourselves. Most others who care about us are pretty okay with what we do and how we turned out.

    And now, take a look at your dreams. Imagine, where do you want to be one year from now? And then identify the steps you need to take.

    I always wanted to be a writer, but I didn't know where to start. And then I started - by writing. It took me several years (I am a great procrastinator myself), and these days I have got a manuscript that is about 85k words (the first HP was about 76K) which I have sent out to a few literary agencies in the hope someone will take it and make a publisher buy it. And all the while I am preparing my second manuscript and writing short stories (some of which have been published already). It is a tough job, and the rejections hurt (and there will be rejections - even "I want to be like him when I grow up" Neil Gaiman had stories rejected in the beginning, and his novel "American Gods" almost wasn't published because it was odd and didn't fit anywhere), and some days all I write is crap, but at the end of the day, writing is what makes me happy, and if I practice and improve myself, eventually I will be a published author, and maybe even a really successful one. And if I can belive that about myself and work on getting there, you can, too.

  2. When you sent out your manuscript, what were the steps u took? How did u know which agencies to send them too? I don't even know where to start, I've had a few opportunities to self publish, but I can't afford any of their packages and I'm not sure I want to go down that road, its all so overwhelming with all the publishers and agents, and thank you for that comment